FLICK'N'BEANS

EP 75: Kinda Pregnant | Rapey Dolphins and Dolls that Shit

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Good Morning Bean Flickers!!!

This week Amy Schumer puts on a fake baby bump and chaos ensues in Kinda Pregnant on MAX. Word to the wise - Alpaca milk should *not* taste "salty".  

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Bridget:

Good morning. Good morning. I'm Bridget.

Wendy:

And I'm Wendy.

Bridget:

And this is Flickin Beans. This week you pulled out the civet.

Wendy:

I still had some because apparently when we got that little packet in the mail, I was like, this is gonna be like one serving. But it was a lot. Yeah, it's kind of concentrated. And I just dumped the rest of it in there without measuring. And it was really strong. So then I decided to ice it down and put it of crap in it so it tastes okay.

Bridget:

It tastes delicious. I can't even tell it's been pooped out. And whipped cream on top in the flicking beans tumbler. Contact us. And you can get one too.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

So besides the coffee, this week we did a fake pregnancy movie. Kind of pregnant.

Wendy:

Kind of pregnant, yes.

Bridget:

Amy Schumer. I love Amy Schumer.

Wendy:

She has one of the best jokes offhand that I've ever heard. And I want to repeat it now, which is she was on, I think, Chelsea Handler show with Aubrey Plaza.

Bridget:

Love her.

Wendy:

Yes. Right. And Aubrey Plaza is telling about how dolphins and how they, like, rape people and stuff.

Bridget:

They do.

Wendy:

Yeah, they do. And Aubrey brings that up and then Chelsea's like, what? Have you heard of this? And she says that to Amy Schumer. And Amy Schumann goes, yeah, it's the only way I can come.

Bridget:

That's really. Oh, my God.

Wendy:

No wonder.

Bridget:

That is so funny, right?

Wendy:

Oh, I'll never.

Bridget:

Oh, my God. That's awesome. Kind of Pregnant is about. Amy Schumer is jealous of her friend who is getting a lot of attention for being pregnant, and she herself is just chomping at the bit to settle down and have a baby of her own.

Wendy:

Yeah. And they're like in their early 40s.

Bridget:

Right.

Wendy:

And so clock is ticking. And they also have the extra element that both her and her best friend lost their moms.

Bridget:

I know. That was my first note because she says, we gotta be there for each other because our moms are dead.

Wendy:

Right. Oh, right out of the gate.

Bridget:

That's when they're little girls and dreaming.

Wendy:

I never ever dreamed about having a baby or being a mom. Did you? As a kid?

Bridget:

Yeah. Because the dolls. Yeah.

Wendy:

See, I always thought they were so dumb, and I didn't get it. And I was like, that makes sense. Now that I'm a grown up, I just do.

Bridget:

It's like in that Barbie movie, all the dolls were for pretending to be a mom.

Wendy:

Yeah. It's just babies.

Bridget:

I had a baby alive.

Wendy:

Oh, yeah.

Bridget:

And you took a packet of powder and you stirred it up. With the little pink plastic spoon in the bowl, they added water, and it would be, like, the color of mashed peas or orange. And so it came with all these little packets. And then you would stick the spoon in the doll's mouth or it would move and, you know, look like it was eating. And then it had to come out somewhere. So you had diapers. I was kind of obsessed with it that I remember getting up in the middle of the night to feed my baby alive. And I just had so much fun, like, with the packets and stuff that, oh, my God, it s*** everywhere.

Wendy:

So really, what you. You liked about that was make me. Yeah, exactly.

Bridget:

You're right.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

I'm a child Sick Boy, and I still do. Yeah.

Wendy:

I can't remember ever having a baby doll. I never asked for one. And I always thought it was weird when my friends, like, carried them around all the time. I'm like, what is that? But I had a cat. So, yeah, foreshadowing. I had this black cat that I carried everywhere.

Bridget:

So, yeah, I guess the progression from teddy bear to baby.

Wendy:

Yeah, that's the backstory.

Bridget:

Purses and phones now. Yeah. Oh, my God. No wonder the aliens think we're just idiots.

Wendy:

I don't know if I caught a ufo, but I sound like one of those people on the show. I took a picture to try to get the planets that were in line this weekend. I didn't see this with naked eye, but then when I went back, there's a thing that I thought was another planet, but it's not. I don't know what it is.

Bridget:

When the other. Right.

Wendy:

Yeah. Nice. I could. I could only see three, and I thought I had another one when I took the picture, I'm like, oh, I caught something else. Maybe that's another.

Bridget:

I looked up what astrology says about these planets being in alignment. So check it out. You can see. It tells you how it is going to affect your particular astrological sign. Super interesting. Whether it's science or not, it sometimes feels like it.

Wendy:

I think that there is an element of science to it because that's how people used to predict the weather and count the days, and we used to look to the stars for stuff. And, yeah, there's a bit of mystique in it, but I think some of it is based in science. Sort of a weird thing. You have to know a lot about astronomy to know a lot about astrology.

Bridget:

I love astrology.

Wendy:

Me, too.

Bridget:

So in the beginning, right away, her friend is taking a pregnancy test on the toilet. She sees a gray p*** and she says, oh my God, by summer it's going to look like Steve Martin.

Wendy:

That exchange of them on the face time, one of them's on the toilet and then Amy Schumer's brushing her teeth, doing all this stuff where she just looks really ugly. And I'm like, this is very realistic, it is very real of how girls call each other. Talk about nothing.

Bridget:

Do you like, pee while you're on FaceTime?

Wendy:

Yeah,

Bridget:

Me too.

Wendy:

I don't know if I've ever done that face FaceTime, but I've definitely peed. Why?

Bridget:

Depends on who you're talking to.

Wendy:

When my grandfather died, I was on the toilet.

Bridget:

Stop it.

Wendy:

I knew somebody would be calling, so my dad called and I was like, oh, I have to answer it.

Bridget:

Oh my God.

Wendy:

Answered it, telling me my grandfather, I mean, it wasn't surprised he'd been in hospice, but still I was like, I can't believe that this is the moment, the moment that I'm going to remember.

Bridget:

God. Well, I'm glad, I hope that you weren't traumatized by that and have a hard time peeing. No, I can't go into that bathroom anymore. We're midstream.

Wendy:

Yeah, pretty much.

Bridget:

That's a good story, Mark. Okay, so I looked this up and if anyone checked my browser history, they would just be like, what the f***? I had the question, does pubic hair really turn gray?

Wendy:

Does, right?

Bridget:

And the answer is yes, it can. And it's nothing to worry about. Of course, this is the first, the first thing that came up in giant letters. Gray pubic hair is nothing to worry about. And if it bothers you, you can dye your pubic hair with a safe pubic hair dye. Who's doing that?

Wendy:

Oh, seems like a lot of work.

Bridget:

I hope full pubes don't come back. I'm serious. Where it's on the outside of your swimsuit.

Wendy:

It's too, that's too. I don't want to see that. Like keep it tight. Like you don't have to be bald, but just, you know, keep it in your pants.

Bridget:

We used to go to the Y to swim on like family night. And my mom had this brand new swimsuit and it was yellow. It was a cute suit, but as soon as it got wet it was completely see through and my mom had a bush. Oh, it was so embarrassing. It was so embarrassed. So always step into the shower with a new suit just in case. Anyway, yeah, they're both obsessed with marriage and children. Amy Shiramura's character Is a teacher. Is her friend's character a teacher?

Wendy:

Yes.

Bridget:

Okay.

Wendy:

Yeah. They all work in the school together.

Bridget:

They work in the school. And then there's that Australian guidance counselor.

Wendy:

I love her.

Bridget:

I do, too. She goes up to Amy Schumer at one point and says, you smell like cocaine. I'll be back later.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

And so I looked up. Up. See, Serge is straight and you smell cocaine. Yes, of course I did. I couldn't find a whole lot of trivia on the movie, but I had a lot of questions like gray pubes and what cocaine smells like.

Wendy:

It's pretty new, the movie, so maybe not that much out there. I like the part where the guidance counselor, she's always vaping, right. And you think she's just like a nicotine vape. And Amy's like, I don't think you're supposed to smoke in here. And she's like, it's fine. It's just weed.

Bridget:

I know. Yeah. I love that. Oh, my God. Okay, so do you know what cocaine smells like?

Wendy:

I don't.

Bridget:

Okay, let me tell you. Powder cocaine, it can smell bitter or have a chemical like odor like vinegar. When that's powder, when smoked, it often smells unpleasant. And bitter, Is that a real surprise? Unpleasant?

Wendy:

I've never been around somebody smoking it. I've been near somebody snorting it, but not close enough to smell it. I've never done that it either. I'm afraid I'll like it. So I.

Bridget:

Me too.

Wendy:

Same thing with Adderall, which is meth, basically.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

I don't think I necessarily get addicted to the drug, but I would get addicted to accomplishing things.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

Like being like alert and focused and getting stuff done. Like that is a drug to me.

Bridget:

So I don't know, maybe you'll be like the 1% who just can't get up off the couch and your eyes are darting everywhere and you're talking non stop and. Yeah, that'd be a bummer. But yeah, I've never tried it and I've never really seen anybody do it because they always leave the room and I'm that person. Like, where'd everybody go? And go looking for them. Open the door and back out.

Wendy:

Yeah. Then they're like all in one stall of the bathroom. What are you doing in there?

Bridget:

Sorry. So Amy Schumer does have a boyfriend and it's one of the Wayans brothers.

Wendy:

Yeah, It's a Damon Jr. And they.

Bridget:

Have this Legally Blonde moment in a restaurant. She thinks he's gonna propose, and the heart shaped cake comes out and she just digs both hands into it.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

And it's not a marriage proposal.

Wendy:

No. It's a threesome proposal.

Bridget:

Yeah. You didn't see that coming.

Wendy:

Well, I thought that for sure he was cheating on her. Because when she goes to his house to pick up the watch.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

There's a dress on the bed and she thinks that it's for her, but it's a size four.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

And like, he's not a four.

Bridget:

No.

Wendy:

So. But she puts it on anyway. So it's like a top. It's like spread out across her b****. And her physical comedy's really good. And then she falls down the stairs and she's like, oh, I tripped a little bit. I think that lady tripped me. And then she goes unmanage.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

Under it instead of like down it. Like. So awkward.

Bridget:

Yeah. I didn't see that coming at all. I expected he was gonna break up with.

Wendy:

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Bridget:

Yeah. Legally Blonde style. But she does throw a pretty good fit.

Wendy:

I like where she's like, you don't want me making a scene. I'm gonna make a scene. I would love to just make a scene sometime.

Bridget:

I know so many.

Wendy:

I've been told that before and does that make me call? No, it does not.

Bridget:

No.

Wendy:

It makes to make a scene.

Bridget:

Right. That would be kind of fun just to role play in a restaurant. Cuz here's what's going to happen.

Wendy:

A little hidden camera.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

Joke. Yeah, that would be great.

Bridget:

When she makes the scene, she smears cake on her face.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

I would have thrown the cake, smeared it on his face and her. Yeah. So they break up anyway. Or she's not into it. Obvious. She's like, I thought we had a good relationship. And he's like, we do.

Wendy:

That's why take it to the next level.

Bridget:

Yeah, that's the next next level. Okay. I love how depressed she gets. And teaching the class in her pajamas and slippers and they're in the middle.

Wendy:

Of Romeo and Juliet.

Bridget:

Yes. She's what does Romeo want?

Wendy:

Wrong. Everybody boo him. She makes one of her students get booed because he says romance or something.

Bridget:

Nope. No. He wants to bone.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

And her concern over her mustache. Yeah, I didn't see a mustache. And she bleaches it. Gives herself a little goatee. Bleach too.

Wendy:

Yeah, you gotta get it all. Bleaching doesn't work. Who told women that that was a good idea?

Bridget:

If I did have a mustache, it would be a handlebar.

Wendy:

Just go for it.

Bridget:

Yeah. I think that would look real cute on a girl.

Wendy:

Sure. Yeah.

Bridget:

My avatar for our team's meetings are one of them. Anyway, I have a mustache that's purple.

Wendy:

And did you see that video going around of the guy that logged into online court and he didn't realize that his name was not right? The judge goes, goes, sir, did you just come into my court with your name as b***?

Bridget:

Oh, my God.

Wendy:

And the guy's like, you know, deer in the headlights. He's like, I didn't. I don't remember putting anything in there. I guess his girlfriend did it to him. She logged him on and did it. So.

Bridget:

Oh, no. He must have asked her to have.

Wendy:

A threesome or a*** and she wasn't.

Bridget:

Into it, but.

Wendy:

Wow, this. Lots of tangents, but this movie is relatable. Anyway, where were we? Breaking up. Then she gets to the point where she goes to a maternity store and that's where the lie starts. The store clerk offers her friend water and not her.

Bridget:

Yeah. Right.

Wendy:

But she gets snubbed because she's not pregnant. And she's like, everybody loves water.

Bridget:

When they leave, I can see her desire to want to wear that balm because everyone gives her so much positive attention.

Wendy:

Exactly. As soon as she puts it on, changes her attitude around her. She gives her a pep talk in the dressing room. And then everybody's like, you're glowing. She walks down the street.

Bridget:

Yeah. People get out of the way for her. You know, she's thrilled with that. That feeling could be addictive.

Wendy:

Absolutely. It's just like people that pretend to have cancer. So it's like everyone's fawning over you and making sure you're taking care of.

Bridget:

It's a fight club thing. She's a pregnancy tourist.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

So meanwhile, before the bump, she meets the future love interest at a coffee shop. Before the bump, before the bu. When he sees her later, he's like, oh, right, I missed that.

Wendy:

They were both wearing the same Old Navy sweats.

Bridget:

Yes.

Wendy:

Right after her breakup. So that's all she's wearing.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

And he's just gotten divorced, so they're both just in their same Old Navy sweat.

Bridget:

I love it when love. Yeah. And I love it when he says, I hate to break this to you, but Old Navy has nothing to do with the Navy.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

She's like, oh, I should stop thanking them for their service. I love that.

Wendy:

Yeah. Their banter is really sweet. And that. That actor usually plays like a weirdo creep.

Bridget:

Will Forte.

Wendy:

Yeah. He usually plays like a weird off putting character, but in this he's the love interest. And he's really sweet, and he does a good job.

Bridget:

No, they have a genuine growing relationship. Too bad she's lying to him. The whole. That's our trope of the long con. And you fall in love, d*** it. And you have to fess up.

Wendy:

Right. That's why there's no point in lying on your first date. Because, no, if you really wanted to go somewhere. I mean, she didn't mean to lie to him, but she got caught up in being fake pregnant because she makes friends with his sister in a pregnancy class. Yoga class.

Bridget:

Oh, God. Let's talk about that.

Wendy:

Yes. I love that. She starts it off with, like, breathe in through your nose and out your b*******.

Bridget:

Out your b*******.

Wendy:

And everybody farts a lot. Which I. I've heard that, you know, pregnancy makes you gassy, which makes sense.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

They should do that at every yoga class in the begin.

Bridget:

Right.

Wendy:

You know, people are just ripping a**.

Bridget:

And then she's like, okay, let's keep those in now.

Wendy:

Yeah. Later. It's.

Bridget:

She takes a pause and she goes, okay, we have a pee break every three minutes, and good luck if you can. S***.

Wendy:

Oh, yeah.

Bridget:

That class really made her realize that pregnancy isn't all glow, happiness, and blah, blah, blah. That it's a lot of.

Wendy:

She makes a bestie there. And this bestie is on her second pregnancy, so she's been there. And the first one almost killed her.

Bridget:

Yeah.

Wendy:

And she's doing it again, which is wild. That's a normal story, though, like. Yeah, there's lots of people that, like, almost died in childbirth that still happen. You get really traumatized by it.

Bridget:

She hears all these women complaining. There's depression, discomfort, obviously the constipation and the pressure from everyone around you to be super happy all the time and just be this pretty thing that is bearing child, giving life. It's so wonderful. Don't you feel so wonderful? No. Look at my ankles.

Wendy:

And my pelvis is separated. Yeah.

Bridget:

I can hardly get out of this chair.

Wendy:

It is a wonderful thing. You are doing a cool thing. You are making a human. That's pretty cool. It's also very nature.

Bridget:

You know, you can get a belly pad like that from$9 on TEU up to about 60 on Amazon.

Wendy:

Wow.

Bridget:

I know.

Wendy:

I. I wouldn't have thought teu, but makes sense. I feel like everything's on Amazon.

Bridget:

They have everything. They do, but I can see where they're useful. It's for clothes.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

Future clothes. So they would have those belly pads. Let's try one on One sometime. Oh, my God.

Wendy:

All right, we'll add it to the list. We're going to go try a pregnancy belly on and we're also going to have get tested for adhd.

Bridget:

Okay. Okay.

Wendy:

We had one at the bridal store. Isn't that funny?

Bridget:

Oh, my God.

Wendy:

I mean, it's not that weird because you think like people. Yeah. And we did get it out a few times.

Bridget:

Why do you want to get married when you're pregnant?

Wendy:

I don't know.

Bridget:

Okay, so finally, she and Will Forte's character are going to have sex. She's comes up with this story about why she doesn't want to take her shirt off. And then she's trying everything. And did he say, I'll go down on you?

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

And she says, no, no, no, no, no. I'll go up on you. And it's the most awkward physical comedy again. And then she's trying to straddle his head and she's like, okay, okay, I'm coming in for a landing.

Wendy:

Yeah, that whole scene was great.

Bridget:

Oh, it was so great. And then so obviously she's on top so that he doesn't feel her belly. And didn't she blindfold him?

Wendy:

She blindfolded him and tied him to the bed.

Bridget:

See anything so he couldn't touch her.

Wendy:

Yeah. She's like, I'm self conscious. I don't want you to look at me or touch me.

Bridget:

This is a f****** plan and a half. Wow. And then she does the whole reverse cowboy. That is funny. Like, I'm just gonna turn the other way. But they have some rowdy sex and they both loved it.

Wendy:

Yes. And he's living in her bestie's garage cuz he's going through the divorce. Amy Schumer accidentally hit the garage door button when she turns around to go reverse. And there's this family.

Bridget:

Yeah. Yeah. What are they out for a walk? Yeah. It's like just standing there.

Wendy:

Yeah. It's a couple different times that they catch Amy Schumer doing something really embarrassing and she's just like, yeah.

Bridget:

Oh, it's so great. And then she. She and the guidance counselor go to one of those butterflies sanctuaries. And the friends, like, butterflies make me anxious. Evil demons get off of me. And of course, all the butterflies want to land on her.

Wendy:

Of course.

Bridget:

Butterflies creep you out.

Wendy:

No.

Bridget:

And it's so weird because other insects. Do butterflies have weird legs? And.

Wendy:

Yeah.

Bridget:

You know, I think, like, I don't.

Wendy:

Like when something's fluttering near my ear no matter what it is. So if a Butterfly was like, around my head. I don't think I would like it.

Bridget:

How often do things flutter by your ear, Wendy?

Wendy:

I did have a pair of feather earrings that were really cute, but I couldn't wear them because they would catch a breeze and.

Bridget:

I would be distracted. It's probably the Adderall. The other thing I loved was the alpaca milk. She said she's been milking this alpaca. And Amy Shewer is like, that is a male alpaca. You've been jerking off an alpaca.

Wendy:

And she put it in her drink because she wanted some milk.

Bridget:

Just like, tastes a bit salty.

Wendy:

I forgot about that.

Bridget:

Oh, my God.

Wendy:

It's just such an aside.

Bridget:

Okay, well, fun fact about alpaca milk. Another Google search.

Wendy:

Yes.

Bridget:

What does it taste like? It said it has a sweet, creamy yogurt flavor, so it must have a tang with a hint of earthiness. That's like how goat milk is goaty. It's rich, slightly nutty, and has a creamy mouth feel. Yeah, I'm sure I'd like it. I like goat milk.

Wendy:

Goat milk is all right. I like goat cheese. I don't know if I've ever had goat milk.

Bridget:

Oh, it's good. Yeah, it's goaty.

Wendy:

I don't like it when it's too. Makes me think of the billy goats and stink.

Bridget:

So whatever store they're in, are they looking for baby furniture? No.

Wendy:

Clothes?

Bridget:

No. She's at dinner when. When the. Well, it. When they're looking at clothes. That kid sees her. The one that stabbed her with a knife in her fake belly at dinner. She got lit on fire at some point. Yeah, well, because that's her best friend. So she's without belly. But then somebody comes. Comes in and she grabs the turkey and stuffs it under her shirt. And she looks so bulky and funny. It'd be like when. When somebody's pregnant and then the baby is putting its foot way out there and kind of moving and you can see it. That's gross. No, it's beautiful.

Wendy:

She lights her belly on fire and gets stabbed in the same dinner. And she jumps, belly flop, spread eagle, jumps on the ground to put the fire out. And everyone's like, baby.

Bridget:

Baby's fine because there's no baby. One thing that they say that I think kind of sums it up is the most important relationship you can have is with yourself.

Wendy:

That is the ultimately the takeaway from this. Right? Just be happy with yourself. And what?

Bridget:

I have another Google search. Remember that the boyfriend's job is to drive a Zamboni.

Wendy:

Oh, yeah.

Bridget:

And at one point they're driving it down the street and so I was like, wait, how fast can a Zamboni really go? Like literally, gray pubes, smell of cocaine. How fast can a Zamboni go? Only 9 miles per hour. And they were going fast. Kind of like when Paul Blart takes.

Wendy:

Yeah. Doing tricks on it.

Bridget:

Yeah. Takes her out of the mall or. It was blowing. It's very Titanic. I thought it was a very cute, funny movie.

Wendy:

Yeah, I liked it more than I was expecting. But I love Amy Schumer, so I.

Bridget:

Think it'd be good. I think all of her physical humor makes. Makes this movie particularly funny.

Wendy:

Yeah, her physical humor in this is really good.

Bridget:

Well, did we do it?

Wendy:

I think we did it.

Bridget:

We flick some be okay.

Wendy:

Love you. Bye.

Bridget:

Bye. Party all night long.

Head Shot

Bridget

Co-host
Head Shot

Wendy

Co-host